I hereby warn of content that may not be watched for certain audiences of triggers.
Much of this website has been dormant for a very long time. Last commit was in June 2025 and the last blog post was in 2024. Since then, this website, alongside its problems, has been rotting.
Because I do not have any tracking points in my website, I do not know who actually reads what I write. I could just be talking into the void of ai scrappers or to actual strangers; though it appears to be both audiences are watching over this website at the very least.
The real question, however, is where I have been after all this time and / or what happened to me. Where have I been?
I broke.
I did not break my bones, I did not break my physical body, I broke myself mentally; really badly in fact.
Given the design, the name, the partial content, and the general expression I convey, it is clear whom this website belongs to: A messy person with a sinister childhood and adolescence. Now, I will not talk about much of the details that have influenced me greatly and severely in the past; for that you shall know me personally, in private, without any communication through the internet since there is a lot of what I am not comfortable revealing here, or anywhere on the internet for obvious reasons.
I will, nevertheless, talk about what happened after my last blog post.
I apologise if this sounds very incoherent and confusing to follow. I struggle to put it all into words. It is my second attempt at writing this with many edits over a longer span of time.
I, embarrassingly mentioned, tried to turn 2024 into a turning point in my life. I wanted to accomplish all the things I pushed back and to finally fight against my demons. The problem is, whenever you put your life at a "shellshock" of rapid change, more often than not, your body will not handle it. You may be able to go cold turkey on certain problems of your life, but it is also important to realise that in many cases, you can not do it all the time in every instance. Smoking is a perfect example as not only your mental state begins to depend on it in order to achieve basic tasks, but your body also begins to panic when you do not for a very long time. If you do not have any additions at all (kudos by the way), then you feel normal reading this. For someone who is addicted, they are trying to achieve this normal state via a means of addiction or dependency in order to "regain" that normal state. For some it can be as basic as a habit as drinking coffee every day. It is difficult to break habits, and it is especially difficult to break them all at once. It this exact problem I did not put into the equation. Here is why:
I consider my life since 2021 to be under an existential crisis: A time where I explored a lot of what this world can provide, but also all its suffering. I constantly ramble in circles, trying to figure out more random information I can squeeze inside the brain of mine. Unfortunately, I also struggle to get out certain information on habits out of my mind and soul, and what happened is that these negative emotions kept breaking any protective attempt at throwing them out. I can underline every year to contain a traumatic experience that significantly hurt me. It may sound less implosive if I was to tell these stories, but there is a reason I clearly do not since they still continue to affect the present I live in.
It also took me a while to realise how I simply do not think the way others do. I always thought my way of thinking is the norm. In some ways it can be, but in others, I was clearly trapped by my own envy. When people see a simple line, I see a connection of multiple paths leading to another. When somebody sees something really boring, I see a world only a curious person can look at. I see facts not as facts, but rather as a general understanding to how this world holds itself from the inside. The way I express myself sometimes, even clever people, can hardly understand what I am trying to express. I recall an exam where I was writing in such an abstract way that my teacher told me multiple times that it took them a really long time to understand what I am trying to express, and even them it seemed too convoluted. It really confused me, but only later did it make sense to me.
Nevertheless, I do not take pride in that; matter of fact, I see it as a burden in my life. One of these thoughts is the way I perceive myself in searching help for this exact problem. Everytime I talk about something, the word I, be that in any language I speak, makes me cringe because I have the feeling of being arrogant, rude, and egotistic. It makes me believe I seek for attention akin to Munchausen syndrome. I, also, likely due to my gender, thus hide many emotions I feel in reality. From the outside, I am energetic, careless, easy to laugh with, and joyful, but in reality, I hide it from the insanity that is sometimes inside my mind, walking away with deep grief and failing to fall asleep as I cry at what I have done to my life. I do not even like to say some of these thoughts, pictures of nightmares, or pictures of a reflection of my suffering. They are truly horrible, and I can not seem to explain why I have those thoughts in my mind.
Even something as superficial such as me getting hacked in 2021 out of my own ignorance have hurt me more than it seems from the outside (and that is not even the worst thing that happened to my life). Unfortunately the responses I get once I talk about these problems make me want to never talk about them. For instance, from 1st grade until 4th grade, I was severely bullied. When talking to somebody about this, the response I got was "I also got bullied, so what?" Not to be mean to this person who said it, but I could not really show the full picture to which extend it affected me. Even after I entered 5th grade, unlike the aforementioned person, I still had not many friends, and I almost lost all of them shortly afterwards. This is still the case today. It does not feel the same.
Considering that point, from all these events and the way I think, I started to feel really lonely, as in, extremely lonely. There is nobodoy in my personal real life where I have a feeling of connection. Even in my family I am the odd one, and from talking to so many people, I feel not in touch with any of them. I was wondering whether it is my fault, or the way society thinks friends work. I view a friend a somebody I interact with every now and then privately (meaning, no utilitarian reason such as school or work). I talk to a lot of people, but I hardly can call all of them friends. I consider classmates not to be friends because once leaving school, I have no communication with them except for school purposes. The only friends I consider to be friends are still friends I also seldom interact with. There is an exception with one person (who might be even reading this exact blog post), however, there are other obstacles between us where I feel out of touch with them as in the way we look at things. Nevertheless, I am really grateful for this person as they were one of the first people I could truly talk about the subsequent events that will follow. Sadly, this viewpoint obviously can not fix all of my problems.
As time went on, the way I see myself in this world also contributed to the way my loneliness has affected me, which brings me back to where this blog post should lead to. In 2024, I broke myself. I had a panic attack during an exam, and following that, I realised that I am completely irrelevant to anybody (not sure why this happened at that exact point since I struggle to understand how this exactly could happen). I could commit suicide and it would take no less than a month for people to forget about it. After all, the world still runs without you, better yet, sometimes better if you do not exist. I also realised that I am to blame for all the failures. Nobody was hindering me to continue working on this website, nobody was hindering me to eat junk food, nobody was hindering me to do what I want; it was all my own will to do so. I recall this memory badly, but it made me really anxious. When I was at the age of eight, I became afraid of the universe and the way it leads to nothing. This thought, in connection with my realisation, made me think that all of what I have been doing will lead to nothing and that I will be forgotten from a material point of way. From a humane view I felt the same. After all, there is not a person that truly loves me and makes me feel like their love is genuine. I am also not a clever person; I only know high userspace applications and a partial understanding of computers. I can not offer anything to society, and I can not see anywhere in life where I am passable enough to contribute. So, there I was, sitting in the exam, my mind completely switched off and seeing my life flying past me as I begun to see the ugly failure of whom I am.
This thought pretty much sums up the rest of 2024 for me. I became extremely demotivated and exhausted. I went to sleep with tears, and I could only see a loser at the mirror. I understand these are very dark thoughts I should not be sharing; especially because you never know if there are people on a forum named after a fruit that will use that knowledge against you. However, I think it is important to understand what has been truly going on. Not some superficial and lackluster explanation or a terse, just a full uncensored explanation on what has been going on in my mind.
2025 was not a great year either for me. If 2024 was me falling into a pool of mud, 2025 was the year where I was dragged through it while small rocks open wounds on my face. It essentially was me trying to be a better person, but at the same time, I did some horrible mistakes. I almost lost the longest friendship of my entire life out of pure stupidity, I neglected important duties from the start, and I was just in general, like before, very tired. Later down the road, I realised that this exact feeling I had during that one exam is creeping up again and more often. I stopped somewhere with some thoughts while new ones started appearing.
During this time, I also changed as a person. I started becoming interested in topics I never was before, the way I speak has changed and the way I express myself collapses and reshapes itself, I decided to go outside my comfort zone and try out new things I otherwise would not. I also, oddly enough, became religious, just to have something to hold onto after all this nihilism that just does not make sense. Unfortunately, these positive changes to my life did not help me fully escape the pain I experience, but at the very least I have not been at the rock bottom since that one time in 2024. I hope nothing breaks that cycle anymore. 2025 for me ended with the same bitter undertone I have been following since 2021.
So, here we are. I still have similar feelings, I still see myself the same way, I still struggle with loneliness and the search of true love (not necessarily romantic love). I honestly do not know what solves my problems, but I know that I can not sit in my room complaining about it the whole time, which is why I have started to take some smaller steps to fix it even if I will have days of demotivation. I have started in 2024 and after two years, many of my ideas are still not finished. One of which is this website.
There was something about writing my thoughts down that really made me like having your own website. Many people in this modern world use social media to express their feelings, thoughts, and opinions, but much of it is very surface level and coorperate. It is one of the reasons why I dislike it so much. Meanwhile, a website allows you to be the king of your own digital world. You can be very creative at expressing it and have an infinite amount of options at your disposal. The problem is that A) I spent a lot more time working on the technical grounds rather than the content and B) writing a blog post takes quite a bit of time if wanting to do it correctly. However, I am starting to get somewhere, and I feel a will to revitalise this website and make it more active. This will take some time, and maybe today it will be working out followed by 5 months of nothing. So, no, my idea of this website is not gone, it will just take some time to come back after a long time of personal issues. I can assure though the next blog post will be about artificial intelligence, where you might also see the changes of mine.
Nevertheless, it was also after writing this where these negative feelings started to creep up again. It is still a problem I have at the moment, and it will take a very long time to solve it. I personally still have no idea what causes me this great displeasure; it is obvious what the reason lies within, but it is still unclear to me what I am looking for. In all aspects, not much has changed. I still feel out of touch with this world, and I still have my battles I am losing. Though, like I said, I do not want to stand in this pit for too long, even if it may feel forever. One day I go to sleep with a smile and in the next day I go to sleep with a tear. Whatever the reason it is, this constant switch of emotions does hurt me, but I still continue to keep my composure. I guess I really just am...
sprinklednights